Getting back on track

There are a lot things I do for my baby girl, the love of my life, but writing in this blog has not been one of them. Looking back I wish I had had the strength to do so. Then, when she's older, it might have been easier for her understand everything that happened and what I was going through not only for my own sanity, but for her protection as well. I often wish I was stronger....and yet I still fail to give myself credit for the strength I have had to get through some of my lowest points. When I was about 6 months pregnant, I was so lost that I planned to take all the pain killers I had left and end both her life and mine. When I look at her now, I'm happy to say that I had the strength to pull through and ditch that plan. Now, after a lot of grieving, I am ready to step up and get life back on track.

In addition to working on moving on mentally, I am working on moving on physically. I am a little leaner and a lot stronger than I was a year ago. Hoping to get into more of a permanent work out routine and keep slimming down.

Now if I could just get rid of my migraines and the stress....it will all come together! :)

Best Mothers Day Ever

No breakfast, no flowers, no presents, no card. I don't need any of that to make my mothers day special. All I needed was my beautiful baby girl. She is so amazing. She is everything a mother could wish for......and more! She's the best parts of me combined with a true angel. She is my savior, my pride and my joy. Its hard to believe that at one point I wasn't sure about having children. She makes me want more. She makes me be better. She makes me want things for her that are only the best in life!

I LOVE YOU KAILEE ELIZABETH!

Can't sleep again.....worried about my baby

The hardest thing I've ever had to do was leave my baby with a man I don't trust last night. I dropped her off exactly 6 pm. I called at 7:53 pm and they were in the middle of eating dinner? Her bed time is 8 pm. Then he continues to tell me that he was off to get her diapers. WTF? He knew for over a week that he would have her and he didn't buy diapers at any time before that?
I am documenting anything and everything I can get my hands on.

He had the audacity to come over and open the door to Kailee in the car before I had even gotten out of the car after parking. I'm sorry, but I would never do that, especially if I had been fighting with him for a week, like we had.

Next week I will be looking into a new lawyer and seeing if there is anything I can do about this parenting plan as he filed with the court down here before she had been living here in Pueblo for 6 months. A friend told me that you have to file where the child had been the previous 6 months, which would have technically been Jefferson County.

I've also been thinking about what I might have done in court had I had a clearer mind and time to realize that I was being victimized yet again. Now that I have been through a court proceeding, I am over being intimidated. My child is going to suffer because I was like a deer in headlights and I cannot live with that.

He is on forced sobriety because of his probation. He didn't choose to get sober. I was watching a program this morning on addiction. Its a disease and there is no cure, only the want and resolve to get clean and stay that way. Karl has no such desires. For this, as soon as he is done with his monitored sobriety, I'm almost positive he will go back to drinking and smoking weed. He refused to give it up on behalf of his newborn daughter, I doubt he will give it up because someone said he had too. I refuse to let my baby get hurt and be exposed to him at such a young age, until he gets the kind of attitude and help he needs to fight his addictions.

Its just everything all over again. He talks a big game, but when it comes to following through, he always fails. Why did it take 2 hours to feed her last night and why didn't he have diapers at the time he was given Kailee to be in his care? Right now I feel like a such a horrible mother for putting her in that situation! I WANT MY BABY BACK!

I should be sleeping...

The first week on the job after the tourture that was the permanent orders hearing regarding Kailee. I am being forced by law to hand my baby over to her selfish, irresponsible father on Friday at 6pm and do not get her back until Sunday at 6pm. I'm not sure I will be able to maitian my composure. But a trickle of hope sprange tonight. I am hoping that there is light at the end of the tunnel if what my good friend is true.

I don't usually throw this word around, but as of Friday, I hate Karl. I hate him so much because unfortunately I still love him. It's not easy to get rid of when its so deep. I also hate him for doing this to my baby. This is not my norm, it's his and I resent him for bringing me down to that level.

I can only hope that one day I will get to a point where I don't want to kick him the face.

But for now, I have to suck it up and stay strong.....as much as I can.

Sleep beckons......work tomorrow......